Welcome to Smogville  (Suzhou)

http://www.sepa.gov.cn/english/air-list.php3

Just had a lovely delivered meal of roasted chicken
breast, dijon mustard and cream coated with a
medley of fried vegetables (potatoes, red and
yellow capsicum,mushrooms and soupcon of dill and
steamed cauliflower flowerlets) plus an 11 inch
pizza with the works. Munching as you read.

"Ooh, China sucks, I want to go home. I miss the
food back home...." SLAP. SLAP AGAIN. I'm going
to steal this from http://sinocidal.com/category/zhang-ziyi/

 ......Hope they don't mind......

Scene II

Setting: a Beijing bathhouse. Ted sits fully-clothed in a Jacuzzi next to a fat Chinese man.

Chinese guy: (Pulls packet of Honghe (cigarettes) 88s from under his armpit, as an attendant runs over, spits in the jacuzzi and then lights it for him).Want one?

Ted: No, I don’t smoke thanks.

Chinese guy: No go on, have one.

Ted: No I don’t smoke thanks.

Chinese guy: Ha ha ha, aha haa haha haa…aha ha..ha ha. A real man should smoke.

Ted: Well I’m obviously not a real man then.

Chinese guy: Go on, have one.

Ted: Will you fuck off?

(Chinese guy grabs the skin under his chin and pulls off a latex mask revealing the chubby, goateed, gloating face of a man he knows to be Beijing hutong expert, Jed Fandango.)

Jed: There’s no running away from the Tapeworm Ted. Once a pretentious prick, always a pretentious prick. Now go on, have a cigarette, for five thousand years’ sake.

(Ted jumps out of Jacuzzi and runs to the corner of the room, picks up a fire extinguisher, runs back to the Jacuzzi and starts to smash Jed’s head in with it).

Ted: When I say I don't smoke (thunk), I mean (thunk), I don't fucking smoke (thunk), so don't fucking (thunk), offer me (thunk), another one (thunk).

(A large crowd gathers around cheering at the spectacle, an out-of-place muscle-bound French gay guy in leather chaps watches and masturbates).

Crowd: (Continuous) Jia you, jia you, jia you…[Come on, Come on...]

Ted: (Still striking the now collapsed head with the extinguisher) …and you can stick your Hutong fucking doorways and flying eaves up your fucking arse (thunk, thunk, thunk. Ted drops the extinguisher, and exhausted bends down to survey the damage. The French guy ejaculates)

Jed: (Lifts remains of head off the tiled edge of Jacuzzi) Pretentiousness…destroys…everything. Five…thousand…years. (head flops back down)

End of the fire extinguisher scene, in which Jamieson would have loved
to pound the guy with the device.....

Sweetie, getting gourmet food + pizza delivered
to your door by a rather embarrassed Chinese
guy for ahhh $20 with no tip is NOT a hardship
 posting. With loads of air-con, not con-air.

Guess it's part and parcel of living in Suzhou,
Jiangsu,China. Be careful. There are 2 Suzhous
in Jiangsu province, China ya' know. This is
the one closest to Shanghai, you know, the
one with the USD $ Huge turnover.

If you want to do the whole China 'thang'
then sure, go out to the provinces.

To the boondocks, the swamps.

Squat toilets - welcome. (Momma, what is
a squat toilet ?) BYO toilet paper.

Nescafe is 318 km away. Starbucks ?
Wassat ? Ooh,that will be 320 km away.

Got a bottle of Bloody Mary mix, a bottle
of Stolychniya and pop-tarts resting in
the fridge. You want to come to China
and teach English ?

Starbucks is 200 m away in Suzhou.

I have been out back, I was greeted and
hosted with unexpected and utmost respect.

They nursed the 'foreigner' with the
treatment they would give to a son,
a stranger, back from a battle-field.

Of course,I don't speak the village
dialect and after only 5 months in
China, I don't speak Pu Tong Hua,yet.
Nor do they, apparently.

Anhui folks rock, they are the best.

In fact, I married one of them.

Bullshit sensor raised,
then lowered. Message is "Proceed".
J.